Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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