hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
