the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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