I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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