I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Even my vagina gasped.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
