She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
