Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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