stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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