Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
