worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
