hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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