nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
