one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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