I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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