When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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