The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
