During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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