I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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