saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize