they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
