I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
