i just had sex bonerless
Slut skills are useful in every country.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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