ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
