I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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