Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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