Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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