I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize