Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
