she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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