Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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