Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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