It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
