Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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