It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
