Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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