No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
