Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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