I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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