im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
not ubering you a puppy
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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