First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
