I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
