Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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