I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
