I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
