Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she looked like the before picture.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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