On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
