i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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