I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
