Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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