please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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