Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
