i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
