she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
