WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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