maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
