Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
