the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There r osticjed everywhere
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize