sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
