I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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