There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have aggressive nipples.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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