I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
