If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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