Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
