It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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