Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
