It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
