Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
